Compromise in Marriage: Learning How to Give and Take

Compromise in Marriage: Learning How to Give and Take

Compromise in Marriage: Learning How to Give and Take


You’ve heard it over and over again – couples need to learn to compromise, to negotiate, you won’t always get your way.  Compromise in marriage is the key to happiness on long term fulfillment.  Why do you think you keep hearing this?  Because it’s TRUE!


No one said a relationships or marriage is going to be easy. It is a bond that is probably going to require all you have in order to make it work. It is a priceless relationship that requires a lot of investment but also gives equal in return. You have to invest patience, love, fear, persistence, empathy, sympathy, skills, and whatnot into it. Sometimes, it feels like the entire thing is way too much effort and we can probably live without it. The thought of being free from all the responsibilities is liberating, while it lasts.

Humans are a funny species. They always want what they cannot have or what they do not have and the moment you finally have what you wanted, the satisfaction you derive, although immense, is mostly short-lived. Like a butterfly, your heart flutters from one desire to the next and hardly anything will make you happy. This pursuit of happiness is what dooms us and we do not realize this until it is way too late.

If you find you are facing difficulties in your relationship and your partner is unable to make you happy any longer, you might find another person at the center of your mind. This infatuation is your mind’s escape tactic and you will soon realize you are willing to break off a perfectly good relationship in pursuit of a fluttering flame that is sure to be temporary and short-lived.

Honeymoon Phase – lovely while it lasts

When we get into a relationship, the first few months are known as the ‘honeymoon phase’, for a reason. This is when we are unable to see anything but our partner’s good traits. We can’t seem to stop looking at them and everything is rosy in our world. We focus on how good we are together and in this way we are unable to see any of their flaws. The honeymoon phase usually lasts as long as we are uncertain of our partner’s feelings about us or as long as we are uncertain about our future together.

Once we know we have a future together, our mind tricks us into feeling like victims by focusing on all those flaws in our partner that we were unable to notice prior to this. This is where our love is truly tested and one of the reasons most people experience jitters prior to their big day. Before this phase, everything seemed good and you probably thought the two of you were a match made in heaven. However, now that you are living together, there come many times when all you want to do is strangle and kill your partner.

The smallest and pettiest of habits irritate you to no end and some days these flaws are all you can see. Finding the traits we love in our partner becomes increasingly difficult when this happens and we start looking at them in a whole new light. The differences seem to never end and it feels like you are either fighting about one thing or the other. At first, you accepted what they demanded and compromised because of the love you felt but as time passes, the love is overridden by feelings of impatience and anger.

Your ego seems to be at crossways most days when you can’t decide whether to compromise or stand up for what you believe in. No one said love would be easy and whoever did say that had never been married.

Love is a tough emotion which can leave you feeling confused and unable to understand where all the emotions are coming from. However, once you get married to the person you love, you soon realize it is not all party like you first thought and simply a difference of habits can initiate many fights. At this point, you must make sure you choose your battles carefully. If you stand against your partner and stare them down, soon enough there will be either nothing but fights taking place or they would never discuss a topic or issue with you to avoid a fight.

Benefits of Compromises

Compromises not only strengthen a relationship but they help you gain a better understanding of your partner. Your heart softens for them and the love renews each time you realize they are compromising and doing something to make you happy. The feeling is like none other, knowing that your partner is sacrificing for you. Now, imagine how your partner must feel each time you back down and compromise for their happiness.

I would not suggest you back down every time there is an argument or you should be the only one compromising. It is a balancing game and you need to understand when it is fine to back down and which fights will reshape your future and require you to take a stand. Make sure to weigh the sides before you compromise or take a stand to figure out which decision would be the least costly.

Do not keep a score of how many times you back down

Do not think that just because you backed down the last time, in the next fight or argument, it is your partner’s turn. It doesn’t work that way. You need to consider how important an issue is for them and as a result what impact your decisions will have on them.

If they are the ones who are constantly saying sorry and you are coming out as the winner, this will take its toll on the relationship and they will soon stop bringing issues to the fore, knowing that you will win it. If and when this happens, your relationship is almost dead. If they do not trust you will find solutions for the problems they are experiencing, soon enough they will stop making any effort and following that, any feelings or tenderness that they have for you, will vanish as well.

If you understand how important it is to try to understand and resolve any problem they are experiencing, you would never be afraid to compromise, simply because your partner’s feelings are more important than getting what you want or winning an argument. Think of this the next time you are having an argument.

Next Steps

If you are having a hard time in your relationship and compromise is not coming easily.  Give us a call now.  We can take your through the steps to become closer through compromise.


About the Author

Online Marriage Counseling can help.

Our practice is currently full...

Learn More

We highly recommend you check out the talented couples counselors at Regain.

Website Designed by Legendary Lion Web Design. A Traverse City Web Design company.

Contact Bethany Snipes, LCSW
Bethany Snipes
Contact Clay Cockrell, LCSW
Clay Cockrell, LCSW
Contact Denise F. Casley, MA, LPC
Denise F. Casley, MA, LPC
Contact Earl Lewis, LMFT, LPC
Earl Lewis
Contact Jim Compton, LMFT, M.Div
Jim Compton, LMFT, M.Div
Contact Lynda Wade, Ph.D
Lynda Wade, Ph.D
Contact Patrick Cayouette, LMSW
Patrick Cayouette, LMSW