Have you come to the conclusion that your marriage is over? You’ve given it your all but the end has now arrived and it is unavoidable. What started out with hope and love and faith is now crumbling before your eyes. You always believed it would never happen to you. But now it is.
The Nightmare Scenario
When a marriage ends there is a torrent of emotions. There are the feelings of failure, the sadness and grief of the loss of ‘what could have been’ and how you dreamed your life would be. There is shock that this is happening to you. Anger toward the other person and toward the events that led to this decision. And the helplessness that there is nothing we can do to stop it. Emotions of revenge are common and pettiness arises. It’s a rollercoaster of pain and confusion.
In my practice, I work like hell to prevent couples from going through divorce. But sometimes couples come to me with the realization that their union is over and want to find a way to have a healthy divorce. They realize that the beginning and middle may have been screwed up, but here is a chance to go through a difficult process with maturity and end things well. They know that they cannot move on to the next chapter of their lives without closing this current chapter in a healthy and complete way.
Writing the end of the story
In the Healthy Divorce process, I work with couples to let go of the “Why” and focus on the “What and the How.”
Dwelling on the events that led up to the ending of your relationship is now a distraction and the time has come to realize the “what” (it really is happening) and the “how” (how do we do this and do it well).
Together we begin to close what was and then begin to build what will be. Ultimately, we want to let the anger go, embrace the sadness for a while, touch on some bit of forgiveness, and then begin building the next part of your lives. With the Healthy Divorce process, you can do all that and more.
Healthy Divorce is possible
I work with couples to approach each other with respect. I mean, this is the person you once loved – and they may have hurt you, but there is certainly a history with them that should be honored.
We also work on a certain degree of self-preservation; the harder you make it on your partner with revenge and pettiness, the harder you make it on yourself.
Each divorce is unique and I approach it as such. Sometimes we can explore some forgiveness, or at least an understanding of the humanity of your former partner. When we understand that everyone is human and people make mistakes, we are able to let go of some of the emotional pain. It’s also important to realize that this person is already a part of your past and all those negative emotions will keep you from moving forward.
You are not alone
A lot of people go through divorce. It’s tragic but not rare. You may be shocked that you are going to be “one of those people,” but understand that your divorce and situation is unique to you. Your pain and specifics are different from others, but you can learn from how other people have approached their situations. That means learning what to do and what not to do.
But take heart that the emotional roller coaster is normal and it does get better – just look around you. People survive. And this is a chance to grow and realize your strength and further refine your character.
I’ve worked with couples for the past 20 years. I approach each relationship as something unique and I work to meet you where you are and move you to where you want to be.
I’ve watched too many marriages end with bitterness and destruction…destruction of both parties. I started the Healthy Divorce approach to avoid this pain and help two adults conclude a phase of their life with dignity and set themselves up for a future that is not held back by the past.
Though I’m based in New York, Online Marriage Counseling allows me to work with you from wherever you may be located. If you would like to find out more about how I can help, please email me to set up a free 15 minute consultation.