Fallen OUT of Love?
One of the most frequent questions I get from clients is: How hard is reigniting passion in a relationship?
Humans are passionate creatures. They keep falling in and out of love just for the excitement that comes from getting to know someone and the exhilaration that follows falling in love. However when you marry someone and realize that you will have to spend the rest of your life with one person only, it is usually followed by jitters and a desire to escape. People are more commitment phobic now than ever and it is mostly due to the doubt that follows when settling down.
However when you get married, for the first few years, it is a rollercoaster ride. You face excitement, suspicion, passion, arousal, anger, irritation and so many emotions all at once. However after about 2 years this passion diminishes and what you are left with is schedule, chores, responsibilities and your partner’s habits that annoy you.
Routine, routine, …yawn.
You are no longer making love every night and most nights you just curl up in front of the television sharing snacks. What is left behind, when the passion dies down is love, trust, loyalty, respect and care. However some days you just want to feel that spark again, to feel the entire range of emotions again. We want to smile and blush when our partners complement us, to want to look our best when in their presence and to generally show them only our best side and moods. All those emotions are lost when the two of you get to know each other and become used to being around one another all day.
This is what causes some partners to indulge in extra marital affairs, just so that they can feel the spark and passion again. To be seen as the most precious being on Earth by someone is a feeling that is incomparable to anything else and this feeling comes back when you fall in love with someone else outside your marriage. However the guilt that follows will never leave your side and so will the fear of being caught.
Although the temptation might seem great at times, the act will single handedly tear your life apart as well as your marriage. A better option is to try to re-ignite the spark that is lost from your marriage. If you have settled into a comfortable schedule, there is a big chance that your spouse will be too comfortable to want to change. This is usually the case in most marriage. One of the two partners find themselves too occupied to bother rekindling the lost spark and as a result the other partner has to make a tremendous amount of effort to make it happen.
Reigniting Passion In a Relationship
However, if you find that the responsibility to bring your marriage to life falls upon you, you can use these steps or tips to make it work and re-fuel the passion so that both of you can once again fall head over heels for the other one.
- Pick up a new habit with your partner. This could be any hobby, sport or any activity at all that would allow you to experience an adrenalin rush or experience excitement together. This will help bring the two of you together so that you can rekindle the lost passion. Any excitement or passion that you feel as a result of the new activity will rub off on your relationship as well. When the two of you have fun together, it will be enough to relight the spark. Rule #1 in regards to this – it has to be something that is new to both of you. It’s not fair or fun when one of you is experienced and the other is a novice. You both have to be learning together. Rule #2 with this tip: no weapons. Seriously – I once suggested this to a couple and they decided to take up fencing. Sorry – giving your partner a sword is probably not the best ideas some days.
- Be spontaneous with your partner. By that, we mean, break momentum and do things that are not a part of your regular schedule. Change your appearance, take a new class, find ways to surprise your spouse and have sex without any pre-planning.
- Increase the activity level in your life and do it together. When you exercise or partake in nature walks, hiking, mountain climbing together, you release endorphins that help make you feel excited about your life, your spouse, your marriage and everything else. So, every time you are feeling down, go out for a jog or spend a day in nature with your special someone.
- If you feel that your relationship has become stale, go for a second honeymoon. By that we mean, plan a short trip and go out, just the two of you, with nothing else to occupy you but each other. Participate in activities that you wouldn’t partake in on any regular day. Spend nights gazing at the stars or swimming in the ocean together. Do anything that can be quoted as quality time between the two of you. You want to reconnect and communicate so that you can remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
- You want to participate in activities that will allow you to forget about kids, bills, house, chores, office and everything else other than the two of you. You need to spend time hugging, walking hand in hand and just cuddling together. Touching in this manner, will bring the two of you together and ignite the romance in your relationship again. Spend time wrapped in each other’s arms and just enjoying the feeling that it induces.
The key to reigniting passion in a relationship is to go back to your old self and take the relationship back to the time when everything was all rosy. Have fun together, dance in the rain, have a snowball fight, have pillow fights, wrestle with each other, sky dive together, go to amusement parks or simply watch thrilling movies together.
The idea is to break the monotony and feel like you have a new and renewed life. Learn to enjoy new things together. Experience new activities together and bath in the bliss that arises from these experiences. If you start valuing each other and try to overlook the things that annoy you, you will be able to enjoy their company and your marriage a lot more. In the end, what would really reignite the passion in your marriage is the fact that you love them and you want it to work. If that desire to make it work is missing, there is hardly anything that anyone can do to make it work for you.
I’ve worked with A LOT of couples on this issue. If you having a hard time reigniting that spark – give us a call. We can help.